Same Violence. Different Story.
- elizabethrosebanks
- Mar 26
- 3 min read
The Double Standard Domestic Violence Survivors Face.
If a woman was beaten, strangled, stalked, or terrorised by a stranger, nobody would question her.
Nobody would ask her to keep the lines of communication open. Nobody would expect her to tolerate the phone calls, the drive-bys, the unexpected appearances. Nobody would suggest she was overreacting when her body shut down at the sight of him.
But when the perpetrator is an ex-partner, something shifts.
The same behaviour gets a different name. It becomes conflict. Poor communication. Co-parenting tension. A grey area.
The crime doesn't change. The impact doesn't change. The fear living in her body doesn't change.
What changes is how much credibility we hand back to him.
This is the double standard that doesn't get talked about nearly enough.
Coercive control doesn't end at separation. In many cases it restructures around it, using children, legal systems, finances, and carefully maintained social reputation to continue the same dynamic with different tools.
When we reach for the language of "conflict" or "communication breakdown," we are not being neutral. We are making a choice about whose account we find more believable.
I want to speak directly to the women reading this.
Your body is not confused. Your nervous system is not overreacting. When someone has beaten you, controlled you, stalked you, and made you afraid, it will respond to their presence as a threat. That is not bitterness. That is not failure to move on. That is not a coparenting failure.
That is survival. And it deserves to be named as such.
You should not have to explain why a single unexpected contact can disregulate you for days. You should not have to prove that low-level breaches form a pattern before someone takes them seriously. You should not have to remain calm while your body is screaming danger, and then be judged for not being calmer.
What is being asked of you would never be asked of a victim of stranger violence.
That is not your failure. That is a systemic one.
And for the professionals reading this, the policy makers, lawyers, mediators, family court practitioners and police members, I want to ask some harder questions.
Why does prior intimacy so often function as a credibility discount for the victim?
Why do we reach for the language of conflict when the evidence points to control?
Why does his composure matter more than her account?
He knows her. He knows how to provoke without leaving evidence. He knows how to appear calm in the room when she cannot. He knows that the more distressed she becomes, the less credible she looks.
That asymmetry is not accidental. It is the architecture of coercive control. And when our systems don't name it, we become part of it.
Domestic violence is not less serious because it happened inside a relationship. It is often more devastating precisely because it did.
The perpetrator isn't a stranger in a dark alley. He is someone who knows her fears, her routines, her children, her history. Someone who can weaponise all of it, and still be seen by many as a good bloke with innocent intentions.
That is not less dangerous. It is more complex, more insidious, and far more socially protected.
Survivors are not failing to heal.
They are continuing to be harmed, sometimes by the very systems that are supposed to protect them.
Until we are willing to say that clearly, and build our responses around it, we will keep asking why she is still so upset.
She is not the problem.
We need to be honest about what is.
If this resonated with you, you are not alone.
If you are currently experiencing or recovering from domestic or family violence, support is available.
Crisis support (24/7)
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732
Safe Steps (Victoria): 1800 015 188
13YARN (First Nations support): 13 92 76
Lifeline: 13 11 14
The Village Health resources
We have created a number of free resources including a personal safety plan template and a guide to help lines and services. You can access them here:
Family Violence Recovery support
The Village Health offers specialist counselling and recovery support for victim survivors. If you are ready to take that step, we would love to walk alongside you:
For professionals and organisations
If you work in this space and would like to bring this conversation into your team, organisation, or event, Elizabeth speaks on domestic and family violence, trauma, and systemic change. You can find out more here:
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